I've just started a new group at MOM BLOGGERS CLUB, called STEPMOMS ROCK....go to: https://www.mombloggersclub.com/group/stepmomsrock
If you want to subscribe to my blog, I'm going to write a series of good pratical 'stepmom' articles, but here are a few ideas that spring to mind. These are just from my personal experience & advice from our family psychologist. We are a blended family with Miss K being Mr K's 18 yr old daughter, my step daughter. She moved in with us fulltime when she was 13.
~pick your battles: don't sweat the small stuff (which may seem like BIG stuff but is it really?) eg. being acknowledged as 'stepmom' and corrected when called 'mom'. we can never replace their mom no matter how hard we try or what we do or say (even if we say we're not trying to do that, secretly we are). they can't be forced to see us as anything other than 'who we are from their perspective.' perhaps focusing our energy on things we CAN change and influence is not as destructive on OUR wellbeing eg setting aceptable behavioural guidelines and boundaries within our home and our family. my stepdaughter has called me Paula since she was 3, only genuinely acknowledged me as her stepmom from about age 14, and still feels very awkward if people mistake me for her mom, even tho we have a much improved relationship now. you can't compete, stop trying and be the best YOU.
~be careful not to become the DRIVER of all things concerning stepchildren.....when our whole family was seeing a counsellor just after Miss K moved in with us fulltime, the counsellor kept telling me I was driving everything, when really all Miss K wanted was her dad's attention and love, after all, he is her father. I have had to remind myself of this over the many years and take a backstep and make Mr K step up and take responsibility for correcting and influencing a lot of Miss K's behaviours and attitudes. he also needed to make time to spend quality one on one time just with her, so they went to the golf range once a week.
~stand united as a team. this is non-negotiable as far as i am concerned, with or without stepchildren. How we are treated by our children is how they are allowed to treat us by the standards we set and importantly in step-situations, how our partners allow their children to treat us.
~it's ok to feel guilty when you think to yourself sometimes 'I'm doing all of this for you, you treat me like crap, and you're not even my child.' that's normal,,,,,deep breaths, count to 10......and know that you are doing this becuase you love your partner and that you can have a positive influence on his child/children.